shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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