I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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