I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
