you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
