the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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