im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
