I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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