ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
