He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
