Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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