Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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