wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize