I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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