I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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