Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
