This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have tasted many bathrooms
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
