Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize