no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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