I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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