Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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