can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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