Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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