you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
