I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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