Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
