thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
