i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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