I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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