I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dicks are not precious.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
