I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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