yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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