Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize