Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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