How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
