My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
