I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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