I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
