Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
