seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
