You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
