i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
