A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
