im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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