Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
