The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
