Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
