I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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