Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
