You can't motorboat a personality
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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