i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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