I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
