Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
