Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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