Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
