if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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