my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize