Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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