I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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