dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
